I... dunno what I'm doing.
The lack is making my head weird. I need marijuana and cigarettes constantly to calm my ass down (but I can't afford either. money, which really is the root of all my problems right now. causing problems with my head, my relationships, my schedule, my mobility. fuck this job market, or lack thereof). Inside my head is going a million miles a minute all the time. I dug myself into this, I know it. I'm being ridiculously angry towards my friends and I can't stop. Well, not all of them. The rest I just lie to and say that everything is fine. My mind changes, too fast for even myself to keep up, and then it changes back. I have crazy, stupid ideas that seem to make perfect sense until after I've acted on them. I confided in one person, but that person doesn't seem to give a shit at all. I'm being irrational and probably pissing off everyone I come in contact with, and I'm trying so hard to break out of this cycle, but it's hard. It's so hard. All I want is something that I don't even know what. I just want something, someone, to rely on. Because right now I can't rely on anyone or anything to be stable, to ground myself with. Everything is up in the air. Everything is tenuous. Everything is on thin ice and yeah, it's all my fault. I can't handle this, I can't handle much, I can't handle anything. This is so much longer than I expected it to be.
I just want someone's shoulder to cry on, I want to know that I will always have someone's shoulder to cry on. But I don't. Relationships are never as strong as I think they are and I fuck everything up in like, two seconds. I want to apologize to everyone who's pissed off at me, but I can't because fuck it all I'm Pissed Off, Too, but nobody cares. Everyone's off doing their own things and no one has time for a friend in need. No one really understands how much shit I am in right now. My hands are shaking, I can't stop blinking four times a second, everything I eat I throw up. But no one knows, no one can tell, no one cares enough to look. Even the person I confided in doesn't give a shit. Sometimes I fucking hate you all. I just need someone to help me through this.
fuck it, nevermind. i can handle myself. i did this to myself and i can get through it myself.
fuck it, i need a cigarette.